Grocery Fairy

HUGE THANK YOU to the grocery fairy who paid our house a visit this morning.

$ and Poor Health

I haven't updated any posts here because I don't like posting negative thoughts.... Well... that's all I have still to post about.

My husband has something wrong with his general health. We don't know what it is. It has caused him a LOT of problems since he was about 7 years old. When everything is working right he looks and acts like a "regular person". Nothing out of the ordinary. When he's having an "episode" all hell breaks loose. His body language is the first thing I notice. He gets a snarl, body tenses up, clenches fists, scowls, his eyes roll back and he has nystagmus (his eyes flip in a "W" as well as side to side), he can't focus on anything, gets cranky easy, can't drive, can't walk without running into something part of the time (runs into a lot of walls and doorways).

We and his parents have spent thousands on him over the years trying to get some doc to figure him out. I HATE DOCTORS!!!!! Time after time we go in (spending $150 -$200) for 10 minutes of THEIR time (after about an hour wait in their waiting room) and all they do is interrupt and say "you know a lot more about this than I do" "sorry I can't help you" "do you want some anti-depressants?" Don't you think THEY should PAY US??? If we're giving them new knowledge why are WE paying THEM?

We don't have health insurance (had to drop it years ago). Can't afford it. Because my husband's health is so crappy he works about part time. Lately his health has been sooooo bad that he's not working even that much. He has work to do (thank goodness) but he can't focus enough to get it done. I don't know enough about Final Cut or Adobe After Effects to do the projects for him - otherwise I would. Perhaps he needs to seriously teach me so I can do the projects for him when he gets like this. The company he mainly works for (freelance) is MONTHS behind in paying. He has to threaten them by holding footage hostage in order to get paid. Didn't use to be this way. We have to take being treated this way since no one else wants to hire hubby. He's SUPER talented (when he's sane) but he CAN'T make most deadlines. He has a great portfolio.

He can't take care of the kids when he's not feeling well. He can barely take care of himself. He has been getting noticeably WORSE recently. Only able to function a handful of days in a month's time. We think he is on to the solution to some of his health problems but we need more $ to do more testing. It's a double edged sword. We can't test without $ but we can't get $ because he's too sick to work.

In the meantime... utilities keep getting shut off. When they get turned back on we get hit with a turn back on fee. Late fees on our mortgage... as if being broke isn't hard enough as it is... they want more money where there is NONE. Believe me... I WOULD PAY ONTIME IF I HAD THE $$.

I sent a letter in to Dr. Oz on Oprah's website BEGGING Dr. Oz for help. I don't know if anything will come of it. My hubby is willing to share his illness with the nation if it means he gets to see a doc for free and get diagnosed finally. (If you know him you know what a HUGE deal that is - hubby has always kept his health problems as private as possible)

We're as broke as we can get... we're down to 2 diapers in the house and we have 3 kids still in diapers. Our baby has 1 diaper... and Tinkerbell and Power Ranger have to flip a coin on who gets the other one. I want to scream... cry.... give up.

Whenever we do get money it's GONE! We owe soo many people soo much $ and have soo many late fees on top of it we might get to look at the $ for a second before it gets sucked away.

I'm tired of being a liability.....

I started up a new clothing and stuff store on Zazzle last night... I'll get the link to it up soon. I'm going to make this blog public (I never wanted to do that) in hopes that my Zazzle site will get some attention (through advertising it here). I need a job that I can do from home. Can't babysit since I would not feel comfortable having someone else's child here when hubby is not doing well. (he gets cranky when over stimulated - noise etc.) I don't feel comfortable having him here alone for very long when he's having an episode. I'm not sure what he would do if left alone all the time. The Zazzle site would NOT bring in very much unless it suddenly became super popular (not likely) and even then... it would take forever to gain that kind of popularity. I'm just hoping for some sort of additional income.. somewhere.

We don't want handouts.. we want to work and earn what we bring in... desperately need hubby to get his health under control. Wish we could find the right project to fit hubby's ability to work and match his skills.


If anyone needed a miracle... we do ..... NOW!!! Thankfully Prayers are FREE!



UPDATE: Hubby was able to get one client to cough up a bit of $ from some work hubby completed about 4 or 5 years ago. Enough to buy those very needed diapers. YaY! Whew!!! This client is so stingy it's like getting blood from a rock.

Dad's Gone

I just got a call a few minutes before midnight Monday July 27th.....



wow....



This really hurts....



I HATE CANCER!!!!

Dad update 7-27-09

My mom called everyone yesterday to give us an update on dad. Looks like he could go any day now. Friday was the last day he drank anything. My mom has been trying every day, several times a day to get him to drink anything - even just water. He spends his days now with his eyes closed most of the time.

When we left to return home on the 21st he was already looking like he was ready to go. He slept a LOT and is getting quite stiff. It's hard to turn his head to look at anything. He seems to have turned his head to face the window and likes it that way.

My husband and I are putting together a video about dad. It will play during the viewing in an area that people can mingle and see it. Mom is sending up several items for me to scan to add to the video. My dad has lived an amazing life. He's been to a lot of places and "worn several hats" in his lifetime.
Dad has beem:
-in the army
-in the air force
-served in Japan and France
-a farmer/rancher
-a truck driver for Swift
-a high school teacher
-a mechanic for Arizona state motorpool
-a rodeo bullrider
-a little league baseball coach
-a temple worker
-he built a water truck (used for construction)
-he could fix anything - it won't be pretty but it will work

There's more but those are the highlights. My dad has taught me a LOT. Main thing I've learned from him is how to fix just about anything. Nothing is impossible to figure out even if right now I don't know how to fix it.... I can learn.

My dad has not been a saint all his life.... He did have a fierce temper sometimes (where I got my fisety streak from). Thankfully he mellowed out over the years. Old age does have its good points. Dad was born a member of the LDS church then just quit going for a time. It was when he was still in the military that he thought "there must be something better than this". He pulled out his military issue Book of Mormon and started reading. It didn't take long before he became active again. I'm grateful he did.

I'm sure I will learn a lot more about dad in the next few weeks. I'll post anything interesting when I can. Posting here is very helpful. I can get stuff out of my system without having to worry about my voice cracking or tears starting to flow. I know dad passing will be mercy for him... it's just hard to lose a loved one no matter how sick they are at the moment.

visiting dad

Wow! I was totally not prepared to see my dad. I have talked to him on the phone and knew he was not "his old self". I knew he hasn't been eating much (cancer does that) .... but WOW! I just saw him in Feb. He looks sooooo different. Basically skin and bones. I think he's about 6'3" and use to weigh about 260lbs. We all guess he's about 180 now - maybe less. He still has strength in his arms to help us lift him and scooch him up in the bed. He is completely bed bound now. Fighting some evil looking bed sores. The good thing is he doesn't feel any pain when he's just laying there.

My brother said dad took a huge downturn about 2 weeks ago. He's expecting dad to not make it past this month. I'm thinking he'll make it into next month. Either way you look at it.. not much longer now.

We've all come to terms with losing dad. It will still be sad when he does go but I think we've all greived in our own ways at just the thought of dad not being here any more.

I got to say "I love you" to him last night. He held up his hand and I held his. He gave my hand a pretty good squeeze and said "I love you too". THAT is why I came. Dad has good days and bad days. He's "not home" most of the time. I found an open window in his constant fog and was able to say in person what I wanted him to hear. Then again... he's always known that I love him. After helping mom change his diaper this morning my kids all spontaneously gathered around him and said that they loved him. He was alert and able to respond. His smiles are worth a million bucks!

My husband should be joining us on Monday... just in time to help us drive back home on Tuesday. Our van is not behaving and I don't want to be stuck on some desert road by myself with 5 young children. He has been home and working this entire time. He flew back just a couple of hours after helping us drive here.

This is just a short update.. I gotta go now. I can hear dad coughing and I need to see if he needs anything. I hope you all are doing well.