Miscarriages SUCK!!! I have just been "blessed" with #5 (in my lifetime I mean). I say "blessed" because everyone always says that they have been "blessed" when they get pregnant.... how is someone supposed to label a miscarriage? Cursed? I refuse to go there. I use to be a very sad pessimistic person... always saying "woe is me" "my life sucks because.... (put nearly anything here)". I have been working hard on being a more positive person.
My sweet husband is the only person who knew I was even pregnant. So, he is the only one I could talk with about this. I decided that my blog can know. Only those people who really care about me will read this so they are entitled to know. As far as I know I have an audience of 3 - my husband, my sweet friend Annette and her husband. All these people either know or will know very soon anyway.
On the positive side, I can get all the things farther done that needed to get done BEFORE getting pregnant.
Last night I got mad about this (I'm allowed) so I took it out on our elliptical machine. After burning 550 calories I felt the machine had been abused enough.
WARNING TMI: Miscarriages are kinda strange and creepy though. I am supposed to watch for what comes out to see if the "baby" comes out. (if it doesn't then it has to be surgically removed - been there, done that.... not fun). Today I saw a mass of stuff about the size of a quarter that could very likely have been the "baby". It's such an odd experience to see it then proceed to flush it like one does a dead goldfish. What else am I supposed to do with it? One day it's our future, someone who will change the footprint our family has in the world, someone who will bring lots of laughter as well as some tears to our home, someone to teach and watch their eyes sparkle when something amazing is discovered... then a few days later it's just a "dead goldfish". I know it sounds icky but it's what just happened.
I am ok about this though. I have my moments of being frustrated but I understand that these things happen for reasons. I would rather wait and have a healthy pregnancy and child then to force one to survive that shouldn't have.
So all my dreams of our future remain dreams. For now.
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P.S. To my dear sweet husband. THANK YOU for being so compassionate and helping me talk things through. You listen when I need to be heard. You are strong when I need a shoulder to cry on. You give me hope when it's hard to feel hopeful. Thank You!
5 comments:
Sorry to hear of your loss. I remember when my mom went through it when I was little. It was an emotional time.
I was all serious reading this, until I got to the goldfish part :). I never thought of it that way before. Still, good point. I like to think of it like a body that wasn't forming correctly and HF decided to give it another chance. That's how I felt when I miscarried, anyway.
I hope you get better REAL SOON. Seriously. Keep me informed on how you're doing. I'll be checking on you!
PJ - Thanks. I'm cool with it. Been here.. done this before. 1st time is the hardest.
Annette - Yeah, I agree that it's for the best. I already have one with developmental issues. We would like to avoid another if we can help it.
We're not going to do any medical interventions to make SURE a PG sticks in the future. If it's meant to be it will be.
July 3rd and 4th were VERY scary days for me. Things seem to be under control at the moment. Saturday I had a sudden burst of energy (must be the iron pills kicking in).
I am so sorry to hear about this loss of yours. It reminded me of my brother who died just after birth because he was born a bit premature. Just know that others know, and can empathize with how you feel.
Teach - Thanks. I'm sorry to hear about your brother. How premie was he?
I've also lost 2 brothers. They were within a few weeks after birth. My mom had us all premature. Most were lucky to survive. (she has had 7 kids in all)
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