Reality Sucks

I'm spending some time nurturing my relationship with my computer because reality sucks. Right now I'm getting about as much warmth and feedback from my computer as life is giving me. (Please take notice that I have 0 comments on my blog - FB is not much better).

My computer doesn't ignore me. It will pop up a fun and stimulating game if that's what I want. It will just sit here and listen to me without contradiction as I droll on and on about whatever is ailing me. It helps me take mediocre and bad photos into beautiful masterpieces when I want. It even helps me look smarter than I really am by correcting my spelling.

Not sure if I'm heading to a world of fun and games or turning away to get yelled at or ignored by kids. Husband... what's that? I seem to be married to a guy I talk to over the phone. I don't know who the guy is stomping around upstairs.

We need to do something different

I have the best husband in the world. He's kind, playful, smart, clever, fun, loving and handsome. He has helped me to become a much better person. He "gets me". He has helped me to deal with my anxiety disorder. He has a very good heart and wants to help out others. He's a very talented artist. He listens to people and helps come up with solutions. He's the person I want to grow old with. Women often times say they want to curl up with a good book... I want to curl up with my husband. LOL.

But, Not everything is sunshine and roses. . . .

My husband's lifelong illness has always been a problem. It springs up at random times. He'll be doing great one minute then the next he'll be "out of commission". He can't be a husband or father during these "episodes". He can't help watch the kids so I can work, he can't be left alone because he makes irrational decisions sometimes when he doesn't feel well. I honestly don't know what to do. I can't be in 2 places at once.

He's self employed. No one will hire him as an employee (so he says) because his health is so random. I've watched this man go from strong, smart, clever, lively, flirtatious, and simply totally awesome to the complete opposite. It's quite scary to watch the first 100 times. Then... I've learned to look the other way. I HATE whatever it is that takes him away from me. His eyes look dead - lifeless during these periods of time. It's scary to look at. Other times he looks like he just killed someone. Thankfully he has a very gentle spirit inside this messed up body. He simply balls up and hides in the bedroom.

He's been to nearly every type of doctor trying to get this figured out. Ophthalmologists, Neurologists, General Practitioners, Homeopaths, Naturepaths, Gastrointerologists, Endocrinologists. He's had tests done from as simple as a finger stick to the expensive CT and MRI. He's been doped up on things from anti-depressants to IV chelation all with their own set of glorious side effects. He's been on crazy diets trying to isolate foods he eats. He's eaten no wheat, no dairy, no protein, no nuts, no fat to all protein, all fat, all nuts, all vegetarian. Next on the list is a genetic metabolic specialist. IF he gets accepted by the doctor (Doc has to approve all his patients) and IF we can afford him. See, all the things listed here cost money. Money that he can't earn when he's not doing well. Money that we simply don't have.

Think of that brand new pair of shoes you bought your kids for school to start. It would take several pairs of shoes to pay for just 1 lab. Think of that brand new back pack, pants, shirt, school supplies..... we didn't buy any this year. It all went to our local health food store buying supplements to find SOMETHING that will help. The money you spent on your last date with your significant other.... that went to one of many late fees we have from bills we can't afford to pay.

I'm only writing here because I'm sooooo frustrated. I need to blow off some steam and get this out of my system. I feel like I'm going to explode or simply die from a heart attack. It's about 3:30pm and we've had our water turned off today. Again... Tomorrow they will turn off our power if we don't pay. Our Gas should be shut off in the next day or two. Our mortgage is late... again! I need to get to the grocery store and get some bare essentials with the money we don't have. I wish I could find a job working at home so I could take care of everyone and earn something to pay our bills with.

It's so hard to see a glimpse of the person/life I could have if we can just get his illness figured out only to have the door slammed in my face. I'm grateful for these small windows. I may only get to see him at his best for an hour once a week or so but it's what keeps me going. Since he CAN achieve this state of "normal" I know it can be acquired LONG TERM. IF we can get him figured out.

He has recently discovered that taking 2 simple supplements can help keep him "normal" for EXACTLY 3 hours. Then he crashes again. I don't know how long this new system of supplements will work. Typically changes only work for about 2 or 3 days. We're at about a week now. Don't think bad of me if I don't hold my breath this time and throw a "he's cured" party. Cautiously optimistic.

Space - The Final Frontier

I LOVE Star Trek!!!!!

When I was a kid I would have thought someone must have been severely delusional if they attached that statement to ME.

You see.... I am the youngest kid (a girl) and I grew up with 2 brothers. We are very close in age. They are 1 and 2 years older than myself. When we would play (anything) together we were typically split up into "teams" - intentional or not we ended up this way. The brother in the middle is deaf. Sometimes the oldest brother would overlook the deafness and want to play with his brother for the sole reason it was another boy to play with. Other times the deaf brother would be "cast off" and be teamed up with the little sister because it was easier to play the way he wanted without these 2 speedbumps.

I was often frustrated with one or both of these brothers. I was quite a tom-boy and I did like to play with match-box cars, cap guns, my dad's tools, etc... I played on a baseball team for 2 years (girls only team) and loved to go camping, to Luke Air Force base for the air shows, loved car shows and loved "programming" our Commodore Vic20 computer when we finally got one.

My brothers had Scouts and I would get so frustrated that I couldn't get to do the fun stuff they were doing and get credit for it like they did. For example. One year my dad let me make my own pinewood derby car. He was one of the scout leaders and his job was to weigh the cars and get them to the correct weights. When all the racing was over and the awards were handed out I got to race my car. I was so frustrated to race against the top winners (the guys who got the real shiny gold pinewood derby shaped trophies) and my car was nearly a full foot in front of theirs with every run. THEY got the trophies... I wasn't "allowed" simply because I was born a girl.

This never ending list of frustrations kept building up from day 1. Because of this I found that I would often "choose" to be the opposite of anything male related. My mom spend most of her time in the kitchen so my dad and brothers typically ruled the television. They loved to watch baseball games, football games, westerns and war movies. I use to roll my eyes every time any of these programs would come on tv.

It was one of the times I was being overly frustrated with my brothers for something (who knows what or why) when I decided to hate everything they loved. I hated westerns and army movies (don't get me started about John Wayne), sports on television and basically anything they liked. One day a new (to us) show came on and I KNEW my oldest brother loved this show because he could recite the opening monologue...

(the voice of Captain James T. Kirk) Space... the Final Frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds; to seek out new life and new civilizations; to boldly go where no man has gone before.

Well, if my brother loved this show so much... I MUST hate it. I refused to sit down and really watch it. It was on when I was in the room but I found it easy to make fun of the drama of Captain James Tiberius Kirk with his "hurry up and wait" type of speaking. I would reprimand myself if I discovered that I had enjoyed the episode that just aired. I would secretly imagine myself as one of the characters - typically one of the multi-colored vampish women who seduced Captain Kirk. I wished I could be the one girl alien who could ruffle the stoic exterior of Mr. Spock.

Many years passed and I had swept Star Trek under the rug. Life continued and the show had come to an end. Then one day a deep sexy male voice with an accent I found intoxicating came on and the all too familiar monologue came wafting out the speakers of my television.

(the voice of Captain Jean-Luc Picard) Space... the Final Frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Its continuing mission: to explore strange new worlds; to seek out new life and new civilizations; to boldly go where no one has gone before.

The old feelings of "I MUST hate this show" immediately surfaced. But, that voice.... was so different. Hey, wait a minute, this Picard guy didn't talk in a "hurry up and wait" mode. Matter of fact his voice was like nectar - pulling me in and holding me captive. No one was regurgitating the same phrases "I'm giving her all she's got Capt'n!" or "I'm a Doctor Jim, not a ___(put ANY word here)!". They actually had more than 1 woman in the crew. I decided this new show needed some investigation. When I discovered that my brother HATED this show (he was Uber loyal to Captain Kirk) I (of course) decided that this was the BEST SHOW ever!!!! I was able to create my own relationship with the characters separate from my brother. I quickly discovered this was an amazing show with quite a lot of depth to it. It provided me several scenarios that made my brain hurt (alt. universes etc.). The women were not all blue or green. Matter of fact they actually got to wear clothes and have brains.

I have since watched every Star Trek creation weather done as a first-run or a rerun. Only one exception to this... the more recent series "Enterprise". I eagerly awaited it's airing. A little skeptical since they were pulling a "Star Wars" on us all and going back to when space exploration was new (prior to James T. Kirk). After watching the steamy and unnecessary decontamination episode I decided that this new show was trying for the shock value and not sticking to the typical Star Trek formula that worked so well. I quit watching... the show continued for 4 seasons... I didn't watch. I don't know what planets they discovered, what adventures they went on, who they shared technology with.... Bummer. I'll keep the sweet memories from the other shows in my mind.

The Original Series (80 episodes)
The Next Generation (176 episodes)
Deep Space Nine (173 episodes)
Voyager (170 episodes)
Enterprise (98 episodes)
There are TONS of movies and a few other spin offs that I've left off this list.

Let me say it again.... I LOVE STAR TREK!!!