Perspectives

I've recently looked at pictures posted by family members who live far away. They're always pictures of them in exotic locations doing fun and different things. My first feeling is "Oh, I wish I could do that too." "I'll never have enough money to do something like that." Then I stop and think about things clearly. I realize that I am where I am the happiest.

Ok.... I don't have nearly enough money to make ends meet. We're financially in the toilet and it has nothing to do with overspending. Any money we get is spent on necessities, the kids, business needs etc. We don't vacation, rent movies, buy new clothes, go to the movies, eat out, spend money on extra activities for the kids. We do free stuff and get creative.

The family members I was referring to are not married... do not have children and spend all their money on themselves. They do what they want, when they want, yes, but they also don't have what I have. I have a husband who loves me. I know where our relationship stands - no guessing. This might be a bit odd to read but I know that we don't have any STD's. Don't have to worry about that path. I have 5 amazing children who are more entertaining than most tv shows. At the end of the day I get to kiss them all goodnight and hear them say they love me. I get to watch these little people grow into amazing grown-ups. I have the ability to pass on wisdom and insight that I wished I had while growing up. I can make someone's life less stressful and worrisome.

When the time comes, I get to be a grandmother. I get to watch my children raise their own families. I also won't have to be a super old grandma because we've had all of our children before I turn 40. I am leaving something (someone) in this world to hopefully pass on some bits of wisdom to others long after I'm gone.

Right now we have to put exotic vacations and the theatre, movies, fancy items on hold. We may never be able to afford any of that but I have the most important and amazing additions to my life that I could ever want. I am grateful for my husband and my children. I am truly blessed to have this life. I know this life is not for everyone. Some do not want children, do not want to be married. I would cease to be me if I did not. My family fills my life and enriches it beyond anything I could have imagined. I look forward to each day that I get to see the growth and development in everyone - even my husband and myself, not just the kids.

Having my family - I have been able to work through a lot of my anxiety. I'm co-teaching a small neighborhood preschool class. 10 years ago I would have laughed in the face of anyone who said I would do this someday. I've been able to hold a real person to person conversation with an actor I had a huge crush on as a kid... and I didn't implode (although I thought I would any second). I've learned all about life under the sea with a sponge.... how to bend things like air, earth, fire and water.... I've learned that a little girl named Dora can really talk in a yelling voice for her entire life.... I've learned that with the help of clone's, Star Wars will never run out of sub plot lines. I am grateful for the person I have been shaped into as a wife and mother. I am so excited to see the talents and abilities I acquire in the years to come. None of this could have happened if I had stayed single.

We need to do something different

I have the best husband in the world. He's kind, playful, smart, clever, fun, loving and handsome. He has helped me to become a much better person. He "gets me". He has helped me to deal with my anxiety disorder. He has a very good heart and wants to help out others. He's a very talented artist. He listens to people and helps come up with solutions. He's the person I want to grow old with. Women often times say they want to curl up with a good book... I want to curl up with my husband. LOL.

But, Not everything is sunshine and roses. . . .

My husband's lifelong illness has always been a problem. It springs up at random times. He'll be doing great one minute then the next he'll be "out of commission". He can't be a husband or father during these "episodes". He can't help watch the kids so I can work, he can't be left alone because he makes irrational decisions sometimes when he doesn't feel well. I honestly don't know what to do. I can't be in 2 places at once.

He's self employed. No one will hire him as an employee (so he says) because his health is so random. I've watched this man go from strong, smart, clever, lively, flirtatious, and simply totally awesome to the complete opposite. It's quite scary to watch the first 100 times. Then... I've learned to look the other way. I HATE whatever it is that takes him away from me. His eyes look dead - lifeless during these periods of time. It's scary to look at. Other times he looks like he just killed someone. Thankfully he has a very gentle spirit inside this messed up body. He simply balls up and hides in the bedroom.

He's been to nearly every type of doctor trying to get this figured out. Ophthalmologists, Neurologists, General Practitioners, Homeopaths, Naturepaths, Gastrointerologists, Endocrinologists. He's had tests done from as simple as a finger stick to the expensive CT and MRI. He's been doped up on things from anti-depressants to IV chelation all with their own set of glorious side effects. He's been on crazy diets trying to isolate foods he eats. He's eaten no wheat, no dairy, no protein, no nuts, no fat to all protein, all fat, all nuts, all vegetarian. Next on the list is a genetic metabolic specialist. IF he gets accepted by the doctor (Doc has to approve all his patients) and IF we can afford him. See, all the things listed here cost money. Money that he can't earn when he's not doing well. Money that we simply don't have.

Think of that brand new pair of shoes you bought your kids for school to start. It would take several pairs of shoes to pay for just 1 lab. Think of that brand new back pack, pants, shirt, school supplies..... we didn't buy any this year. It all went to our local health food store buying supplements to find SOMETHING that will help. The money you spent on your last date with your significant other.... that went to one of many late fees we have from bills we can't afford to pay.

I'm only writing here because I'm sooooo frustrated. I need to blow off some steam and get this out of my system. I feel like I'm going to explode or simply die from a heart attack. It's about 3:30pm and we've had our water turned off today. Again... Tomorrow they will turn off our power if we don't pay. Our Gas should be shut off in the next day or two. Our mortgage is late... again! I need to get to the grocery store and get some bare essentials with the money we don't have. I wish I could find a job working at home so I could take care of everyone and earn something to pay our bills with.

It's so hard to see a glimpse of the person/life I could have if we can just get his illness figured out only to have the door slammed in my face. I'm grateful for these small windows. I may only get to see him at his best for an hour once a week or so but it's what keeps me going. Since he CAN achieve this state of "normal" I know it can be acquired LONG TERM. IF we can get him figured out.

He has recently discovered that taking 2 simple supplements can help keep him "normal" for EXACTLY 3 hours. Then he crashes again. I don't know how long this new system of supplements will work. Typically changes only work for about 2 or 3 days. We're at about a week now. Don't think bad of me if I don't hold my breath this time and throw a "he's cured" party. Cautiously optimistic.

Quindecennial Anniversary

Quindecennial

What is that huge word you ask?

15 amazing, crazy, silly, artistic, photographic, stressful, fun, happy, sad, euphoric, creative, healthy, sick, quick, eventful, boring, exhaustive, rejuvenating, educating, blessed, loving, awesome years together!!!!

(and... he still thinks it's funny to pinch my bum while taking a picture)

HAPPY 15th ANNIVERSARY TO US!!!