Facebook dilemma

I recently joined the ranks of Facebook. I never thought I would. I thought I would never have a facebook, myspace or twitter account. I thought they were pointless.... then again... I thought online blogging was pointless. Here I am still nearly 2 years later. I caved and joined facebook simply so I could follow the changes in family size some friends of ours were going through.

Our friends were blessed with the ability to adopt their first child. A beautiful little boy. I was frustrated at the slow rate at which my husband followed their story so I decided to take action... I would join Facebook so I could follow them at my pace (a bit more obsessive than my husband's casual one).

At first the only friends on my list were these friends and my husband. Then I noticed several people asking to be added as my friend (various family members). I thought... wow.... this facebook thing can be pretty cool. I can keep tabs on friends and family without having to necessarily contact them directly. (by reading their occasional posts about themselves on their walls)

I don't have nearly the volume of friends that most people on there seem to have. I'm fine with that. Actually I'm pretty amazed that I have as many as I do. I've felt pretty secluded the past 10 years. (the twins are 9 1/2 years old now)

Here's some of my delimma.... as I see familiar people on facebook I think to myself... "do I send them a friend request?" "Do they remember me?" "Do they care about me enough to say yes?" "Do I care about them that much anymore to want them on my friend list?" The questions go on and on..

I have noticed something interesting though. Everyone I have in my friend list is someone I have met since meeting my husband. With an exception of 1 former roommate and a few of my family members that is.

I have often wondered what people from my teen years are doing now. Friends from church, school.. friends I use to hang out with on weekends... friends who have moved far away..... friends who stayed where I last saw them.... There are several on facebook. I've looked them up. They're there.

The BIG delimma... Do I send them a friend invite or just keep going forward with my life not looking back?

I don't know why there is such a huge division between then and now. Why is it such a big deal? I think - perhaps - it has something to do with WHO I was then and WHO I am now.

I've always dealt with anxiety. I had NO CLUE I had an anxiety/panic attack disorder until a few years into my marriage. Now that I know what it is I'm dealing with I can deal with anxiety situations better. I feel that I like myself better now. I am more in control (to some extent). I still freak out from time to time. At least now I know why and that I'm allowed to feel freaked out and that it will calm down shortly.

The people from my past.... from Arizona basically... knew me before I understood what was giving me so much trouble. I acted strange at times and no one knew why (not even me). I never went to church dances.. never dated.. WANTED to but never did. Don't know how much of not ever being asked out was due to my anxiety and how much had to do with my height. I hit 6' in high school. (FYI I'm 6'1" now). I had one guy (taller than me by a couple of inches) once tell me I was intimidating. I personally don't get that one. My anxiety made me so shy and stand-offish that I don't see how anyone could be intimidated by me.

So... the delimma..... to invite my PAST into my present? I don't know what to do.